Losing things you can’t replace
I lost a close friend recently. It was a horrible situation: we both embarrassed each other in front of a lot of people by saying and doing things which I know our hearts weren’t really in. We were drunk. I overreacted and said a lot of things I didn’t mean and can never take back. I screamed; he ran.
I saw him on my way to work this morning. He must have missed his bus. I’d accepted that we weren’t speaking when things were still fresh and raw, but I’d never really considered that our friendship is probably gone forever. That hit me today at 9:30am, when I watched one of the few people I’d once considered a close friend walk five metres in front of me, as less than an acquaintance. I didn’t shout his name; I didn’t run to catch him up. I don’t know if he saw me but he never caught my eye when I passed his bus stop and he never called my name as I walked on by.
I won’t lie. We had a bit of a history and we’d had to work through a lot of issues to become close. That doesn’t make it any less painful that two hours of stupidity – which both of us can barely remember due to being blind drunk – have managed to destroy every thoughtful text, tight hug and shared joke we’ve ever had.
He thinks I’m still in love with him. I’m not. Why did I convince myself that I was that night? I wish I knew. Some sort of emotional trigger I guess. I’ve been heartbroken before, but this is different. I just miss my friend. Even though I know he’s given me one too many chances to not fuck up, this whole scenario was his fault too. He’s cut me from his life, and that’s the way it is.
I’ll miss you buddy.