Here’s to Happiness

It’s been an eventful few months.

This year certainly hasn’t been my best, and I definitely wouldn’t be exaggerating if I were to call it the worst academic year I’ve ever had. After failing two out of three exams last semester, I promised myself I’d work so much harder after Christmas. I tried for a week, and after that, I barely made it to a single lecture. I’d fall asleep in the ones I did attend.

I freaked out. I lost control of my life. Despite having great friends, and – I’ll admit it – a good social life, I’d lost direction, motivation, and ambition. To be quite honest, I’d lost the will to live.

I ended up in hospital twice. Sobbing, bleeding; torturing the people close to me with worry. I still feel so guilty about how much I inadvertently put my friends through, but as I’ve said, I had no control.

I couldn’t stand being so out of touch with the things that used to mean everything to me: writing, good grades, being slim… I’d let it all fall and no matter how much I wanted it back, every time I tried to pick up the reins I’d somehow end up in a worse position than before. I needed time to figure out what had gone wrong, and how I could fix it.

I’m taking a break from university at the moment, and I’m planning to re-sit all of the modules that I’ve failed next year. It will add an extra year onto my degree, but it’s worth it. I’ve got a few months to remember what it’s actually like to be ME, and to start trusting myself again.

I’m an adrenaline junkie. I love being scared out of my wits by a suspense film; sambuca shots; anything where there’s an element of risk. There’s nothing better than a good drunken night out; a cigarette when you haven’t smoked in a while and the tobacco rush makes your legs go numb; loud sex 😉 ; the feeling of endorphins rushing through your system after hard exercise; late night phone or text conversations with those who mean the world to you; the thrill of meeting new people; the excitement of a new relationship or a first kiss…

I’ve made mistakes, as any human does. You learn from the people you’re surrounded by as the world changes around you, and I feel no guilt in saying that certain people in my life have influenced me in the worst way possible. You have to learn to recognise who those people are, whether it be a friend or a family member, and look at the mistakes that they have made and the person they’ve turned out to be.

It would be a cliché to say that you can be whoever you want to be, and not entirely honest. The person we are depends on a number of things: our brain chemistry and therefore our personality; our learned responses to different situations; the places we find ourselves at different points in our lives. It is, however, safe to say that nobody ever has to be a person they don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be selfish, dumb, or overweight. I will NOT fail my degree based on the mornings when I’d rather die than get out of bed. I’m not miserable by nature – I’m only sometimes made that way by the pressing things on my mind. I don’t want anyone to be forced to believe otherwise. I want to build friendships which will last a lifetime.

I will never be perfect, but I don’t want to be. I’ll always have the odd bit of cellulite on my arse, no matter how thin I am. I’ll always laugh at things which really ought not to be funny, and I can guarantee that I will meet people in my life who I’ll royally piss off. That doesn’t bother me at all. I want to be successful, reliable and happy.

I want to live.

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2 thoughts on “Here’s to Happiness

  1. You are a strong and whole person who is wise beyond her years. Stick to your own truth and do what feels best for you. You are on the road to health and happiness and all you have to do is keep walking! Sending you good energy and peace. xoxo, g.

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