There’s a Storm Brewing
Oh God. I’m burning. I’m freezing. I’m sinking. Please, somebody, just stop this from happening. Slap me across the face as soon as I start to fall. Send me home to sleep it off, don’t let me sink into that silent panic that I myself don’t even understand. I want to be outgoing, bubbly and approachable. I want to find somebody who I feel like I deserve; who I won’t worry about drowning in my emotional baggage. I want to be so full of life and happiness that I can deal with my emotions without hurting someone I love.
I’m writing this as a stream of consciousness. I feel so small. There doesn’t seem to be any point in anything at all. I am a tiny, insignificant being, lost in one of the most beautiful gothic cities in an even bigger and more complicated world. My life seems to have no direction and my voice is often too quiet to be heard against the inner city beat.
Why should I feel this way? I am lucky. I may not be pretty or thin or funny but compared to some I have so much. I always want more. I want to fly, to throw myself from the roof of the tallest building in Edinburgh and fly through the city like a bird of the night; omniscient, graceful and powerful. I want to feel the most intense pain, pleasure, love, hate and anger all at once until my brain cannot take it any longer and I collapse to the floor in a shaking mess.
I want to get so ridiculously drunk that I cannot even remember my own name. Just forget about all of the toxic clouds of misery floating around in my head, like rainclouds on an overcast day. They may not always be spewing out their poisonous acid droplets, but they are forever growing, swelling, threatening to explode into a violent storm in the midst of an otherwise calm evening.
I just want somebody to hold me. Just to take me in their arms, squeeze me tight, and tell me that everything will be okay. Somebody to be strong for me when I cannot be strong for myself, and make me believe that I matter. Do I matter? I am nothing but emotional baggage.
I have such a huge capacity to love, but I’m better off alone.