This One’s a Little Bit Angry
I’m so angry. I’m tensed with rejection and frustration and I want to scream. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you have no respect for my feelings at all? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip. There’s nothing wrong with you. I try so hard and you don’t give a fuck. You’re so bad for me, you screwed me over in the past and you keep screwing me over now.
Can’t you just stay away? Please just stop messing the fuck with my head. I blame the tactless, selfish, offhand way you used to treat me for flipping my overactive mind into apparent disorder.
You bullied me. You made me feel stupid; you always seemed to pick up on the things I wasn’t good at to make yourself look superior. Everything was always on your terms! You never laughed when I tried to make you, and by the end I would stumble over my words because if anything less than perfect passed my lips I’d suddenly feel childish and clumsy around you. You barely tried to make conversation: you’d go into your own little world. It was as though you couldn’t even be bothered to give me your precious time of day. You sometimes gave the impression that visiting me was a chore, or just for sex.
I know I was difficult at times, but the way you acted around me made my difficulties a thousand times worse! I’d never have imagined myself taking antidepressants before I met you. I spent my first year of university sinking lower and lower as you pushed me further away. You never called when you said you would.
I love you, but sometimes I cannot help but dislike you. You’re two-faced and full of lies. Even now you take me for granted. Despite everything that has happened, I’ve been nothing but a good friend to you from the start. Perhaps I haven’t always made the right decisions, but for a while now I’ve made most of them with you in mind. That’s slowly changing and I’m so glad.
I will never push you away; you’re too close to my heart. I care about you and I want you to be okay. I’ve realised over the past few months that I’m not the sort of person who heals easily. Just remember, if you get the girl you keep telling me you want so much, don’t treat her like you treated me. Keep the nice guy, but lose the arrogance.
And next time I trust you with something big, I’d appreciate it if your response doesn’t have ‘fuck you very much’ buried somewhere in the reply again, no matter how bad a mood you’re in. Every scrap of pain that she’s causing you at the minute, remember, you once caused me too.