I’ve fallen down.
The air in this black hole is stifling and I cannot breathe. The walls are smooth and I cannot grip them for long enough to climb out.
I am disgusting. My body is revolting. I can’t get out of bed and I can’t stop mindlessly eating. I can’t make myself do work or anything productive, and uni deadlines are approaching rapidly.
I want to sweat this out at the gym but today the thought of leaving the flat makes me freak a little. I feel a bit out of myself, like I’m not really here. Probably some sort of sugar high, after all, I’m sitting here with a bag of granulated sugar and a teaspoon. Cheap thrills.
I just want to be skinny. I will give up everything just to have collarbones, a thigh gap and a concave stomach. Everything.
If I was skinny, I’d have more confidence. People would like me more. I’d be in control of my own life and I’d have some sort of direction. People are going to lose patience with me and leave me behind. Please, just let this end.
I’ll probably delete this once I’ve forced myself to get out of bed.